If it's Mandy Bitch, it's Mandy Bitch

It's quite a failure, about how little I know about myself. 

A long time ago, I was a very different person from who I am today, thar's what I thought before I sat down and let the quiet sink in. 

The truth is, I am the same as who I was from a long time ago. I just have additional layers now. The new lessons I learnt have also told me when to let the different layers surface, thar's all. The core of me is still the same, the same as the moment I entered this world. 

I am a Bitch. But I am a fun-loving, kind, serious and sometimes emotional bitch. 

I accept this, and so Mandy Bitch it shall be, and it will be. 

Doesn't matter if anyone cares, Bitches have more fun anyway, look at Chow from The Hangover. 

But when to show certain layers are more crucial. It's not about losing certain aspects of myself, cos it will always be there. It's about when to let the different layers show. Like I stopped all that glittery head turning dressing since I stopped clubbing, and so the rest applies.

Learning all over again

I missed working at Mind Edge, an environment where positiveness, optimism and fearlessness were reinforced, encouraged and imparted. It was as if positive messages radiated from the walls. 

Problems were seen as challenges and nothing was impossible. We all understand the daily grind of life but all those positive beliefs kept things going simple. 

It's been five years since I left such an environment, and I lost all that for a while.

I was no longer carefree, no longer spontaneous, no longer confident and I gave in to my fears without realising it. I became easily suspicious, easily jealous and was constantly worried about the things I would lose. 

Of course, other factors like betrayal by a close friend and being two-timed contributed to the damage, but it was ultimately up to me to decide what I would feel and what I would do. 

I am lucky that I have realised all these negative aspects. Once you are aware, it is the first step to recovery. However, it is not going to be easy. And I am considering going back to Mind Edge, even though it is so far from my house and my weekend schedule is already packed. But it is about whether I want to do it or not, I will make it happen once I have decided. 

I thought I would stop blogging, but maybe I'll come back once in a while. 

Who knows, right? Things always change. 

Smartest class...?

In all my years of teaching, this is my smartest class. And they are only ten this year. They pick things up the fastest and they give you the best ideas. Other than naughty and talkative, I thought these boys are fine.

However, when 6 out of 7 of them failed test after test, where the messages of 'I cannot be bothered to study for the Science test' and 'I can always work on the Re-test' becomes clear and obvious, I am hugely disappointed. In them. In their attitude.

Then, when I realised they cannot multi-task and know nothing about listening, it finally occurred to me that, this is NOT the smartest class. The smartest class knows what to do to avoid trouble and they have the right attitude in work, life and play.

When I realised that moment and told them straight in the face, they kept quiet and immediately realised that the spell they used to cast over me is broken. I wonder what happens next.

There is no smartest class. Cos there will always be something better out there. That's what life is about: As long as you are willing to explore, you will constantly be surprised by the amazing and the worst.

Always do something new every year

I want to try out:

Zumba
Walking in the rain
Meat dishes

By July 2013.

Latest look

I had an amazing weekend! Thanks!

And here is my latest look:

Karma

It's funny how history repeats itself.

A long time ago, someone made a lot of effort for me, yet I did not comprehend the fullness of it. And now, I made a lot of effort and reserved a lot of time for someone, yet he does not comprehend the fullness of it.

I am always the one reserving my time for him. I am always the one making plans. I am always the one asking him out. Yet, he can be tired when he meets me sometimes, even though he knew beforehand that he is meeting me that day.

I never ask people out at the last minute, as it is very rude. You do not deserve company if you think people will reserve their time for you. That's why I ask everyone out at least 48 hours in advance and plan ahead, be it friends or family. So now, I feel tired and very disappointed at myself for being the one always actively asking him out. I am disappointed with myself cos I let it happen to me. By reserving your time and effort for him, of cos, he would assume you are always free, for him. So, why would he need to ask you out in the first place, or even ask at all? You would ask him out anyway.

So that's how stupid it feels. I bet karma befalls on me today to give me a taste of how my ex-boyfriend felt back then. Not that I was unappreciative, but that, I did not comprehend and feel the fullness of the time and effort he had put in.

So, I've learned my lesson. To prevent being disappointed at the kind of expectations and returns I hope to get, I shall, just, stop whatever I have been doing. That will stop me from having expectations of others.

Without expectations, I will not be disappointed, miserable or down.

It's very simple, actually.

And to Wendy, who is definitely reading this: laugh all you want, I think you will be satisfied. Since seeing me miserable is what you are happy about. Otherwise, why would you introduce me to your few long-time good friends, just so they will delete me off their Facebook list and stop talking to me totally? See, all this stalking actually helps, isn't it? But have you ever wondered, how long this kind of happiness will last? Or how long did I feel rejected when I got deleted off on Facebook?

Being rejected is part and parcel of life, so are good days and bad days. It just took me a lengthy amount of time to realise and accept this.

Marriage equality should exist, cos love is love, as simple as that.